I was always insecure about my weight, but never like this. I always managed to stay under 120 lbs, cause I am constantly worried about body image. After all, I want to be a singer and the industry is so tough on looks. This time, my lack of motivation this summer can totally be noticed. I am 122 lbs. but I have a bit of a tummy and my legs and arms are not in shape. And if I sound insecure enough, I hate my chest. If you didn't know that part grows as you gain weight so I need to soooo lose weight. I feel soooo stupid. I need to get motivated cause school is starting in 2 weeks.

I want a nose job. I've wanted one since I was younger cause my nose is long. I've been teased my whole life and it sucks so much. I've been called everything from "Howard Stern" to "Christmas Tree". My very close guy friend might become a plastic surgeon when he gets older which will benefit me greatly...I think. I was watching Extreme Makeover with my sister and I was thinking of being on it even though all I need is a nose job.

As for Howie, I wonder if there has been time in the 5 years I've loved Howie I've not thought of him. It hit me while I was in the car on my way to grandma's house. I of course was listening to BSB songs (oh how much I love their music) and it really did hit me. I mean, who else has thought of Howie Dorough almost every waking moment and almost every single night? It must really mean something. No, I'm not crazy, I'm really in love.

Anyway, I was asked today why I really love Howie and I can't answer it. Actually the reason I can't answer it is because I don't want to answer it. Too many things go through my head about him and if I just give a reason, people would either find it ridiculous or totally unbelievable. I love him for the right reasons and I can promise you that. No people: I don't love him for fame or money. That doesn't even make my list of reasons. It's just hard and I don't think I understand.

Being sick is nothing new with my life. I've been sick as far back as I remember. I don't think I've had a healthy day since about the 7th grade which is 7 years ago. I still have a lung infection and the other day I popped 8 pills and took my medicated inhaler 2 times. I was put on antibiotics for an extra week. Thank you CLauren for leaving me a get well note. It was very much appreciated and it brought a smile to my face.

Well, I better go, because I bet you're all tired of hearing me. If you wanna see what I look like (to judge if I look fat to you) or if you just wanna check out some artwork, poetry, quotes, etc...jump onto this page: Purple Passion and sign my guestbook.

Backstreet hugs & Howie kisses,

@->--

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004