Maybe it's because all but a week of my life have I been single. I guess I just want to find my soulmate in the worst way. I know he's out there and yes, I believe it's Howie.

I don't know what has gotten into me lately, but I can't shake the feeling of wanting to find him. It means a lot to me, because deep down in my heart, I know he's the one.

In the past few days I've wanted to scream. I know that good things come to those who wait, but at this stage of my life, it'd getting a little crazy. All the hope I've had for nearly 5 years is turning into despair. My friend that helps me through it all moved away to Kentucky, so we barely get to chill and talk about it. I know she's there for me, but it feels like a lost my source of confidence.

I don't really know if I can get the words out. I'm really embarassed. I don't want to be thought of as insane. I don't like being asked why I love Howie so much for 2 reasons:

1) It's my answer. What happens if I meet another Howie fan and I get asked that question. If I get told the truth, they could take my answer and when they talk to Howie, it could be my words they're using.

2) I know that I love him. I'm a very romantic person. I just want him to know how I feel and that's the truth. I feel like I could be laughed at for my reason and I don't want that to happen.

I'm confusing, I'm confused. I don't know. Wait, I don't even think anyone even reads my diary cause I don't get responses. Anyway, my biggest fear is that Howie would meet "Miss Right" and I won't even get my chance. Well, I'm gonna find him if it kills me. I'm gonna write letters everywhere and contact everyone that can help.

I feel like I'm alone, but my love for Howie isn't a lonely feeling. It's not supposed to be...so someone...help me.

Backstreet hugs & Howie kisses,

@->--

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004