I am sorry, I am going out of my mind and I don't know what to do. Too many things happen at once and I don't have time to sort them all out or accomplish all I want to do.

I thought that since I have finished school and I don't need to go back until January 26th, I'd have more time to get everything done...nope I was beyond wrong.

I now work 5 days a week and I'm stressed out because I want my report card. This is the first time I'm NOT gonna be on the Dean's list. That is gonna destroy me.

Today, I am not sure what time, Marty is going in for surgery, but I am scared. I have cried quite alot. I know it's easy for him to joke about it, but I want him to be alright. I care about him so much and I never know what to say to him. I was too scared to call him to wish him the best and a speedy recovery. Who knows what he thinks of me right now cause I didn't call him. I'm just sorry I didn't but I was too scared.

Right now, I'm in love and I don't know how to go about it. Is is actually possible to be in love with someone you've seen and heard, but have NEVER met? Well, I think it's possible, because it's happened to me...same person for the past 5 years. I saw him on Oprah on Wednesday and my life has not been the same since then. It's been like 2 years since I've seen Howie on anything and when I saw him...it renewed a sense of self that I lost. Now I find myself either wanting to cry or crying...alot. I walk around with tears in my eyes and I cry myself to sleep. The other night, I had a wonderful dream of him and I woke up smiling and crying. I swear, I've never been more in love, but I cry cause I always feel that it will never happen to me.

Backstreet hugs & Howie kisses,

@->--

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004