I love that man more than my own life but saying why has become quite a task. 5 years ago, I never cared what people thought of my love for him and I was in 9th grade. I now all of a sudden care because I feel it is a reason I am still single. I know that in my mind there is reason why I love him and that reason is what I tell everyone, but my heart doesn't agree with it. I've been too ashamed of my true feelings and why I feel him and I should be together mainly because of my fears of being looked at as absurd. I never want to be an obsessed teenybopper, I want to be different.

Since When has following your heart been wrong? Apparently, as of lately...guys are starting to come forward about being jealous of Howie and want me to give up/abandon my feelings for him. So far out of those three guys, I've gotten reasons. The third guy would like to keep his reason to himself. We are friends, close friends and we are very considerate of each other's feelings. we don't see each other as more than friends. One reason was totally in his own self interest. This person, I don't want to bother with anymore. Reason two was a respectable one. It was told to me last year. Him and I have stayed as friends, but don't see each other as potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

I guess the biggest reason why I remain in my Howie loving state after 5 years is that if there was any man I could have the love of my life model after...it would be him. I've only asked to be treated with kindness and thought of with a heart and not *down there*. If there were anyone to treat me like a woman instead of an object, I actually have confidence that it is Howie. I have faith and I need more confidence that despite these tough situations, I'm going to cross paths with Howie and we are going to hit it off and impact each other's lives in positive ways. He's dealing with being single (despite the fact that he's had at least 8 known girlfriends in his 30 years) and I am also dealing with it. I never knew that a man with a heart as big as his would ever have trouble finding a meaningful relationship. To think of it, most women focus on the celebrity/persona that is Howie D. Even though I do call him Howie, my heart has been for Howard Dwaine Dorough.

A side note: My close guy friend and I were talking about the whole Howie situation and he wants me to give up on Howie...I guess that is understandable. Anyway, he made me answer the question that has given me trouble for years: Why do I love Howard Dorough? Well obviously, he is a guy and my fear of how people would think of my answer in a way screwed up what I was trying to say. From what I did tell him, he got from it that the bond Howard and I share is the disease Lupus. He told me that wasn't the bond he was looking for. So it's like strike one against me. Anyway...there is a deeper reason for why I do love Howard so much, but there are certain people I can easily talk to about it without being judged. My guy friend doesn't happen to be a person I can easily talk to about another guy, but he was willing to listen. When the day comes that Howie and I cross paths, I will feel most comfortable with telling him my feelings, but until then, people need to start respecting my choice to love him like I've done.

Prince Howie kisses,

@->--

Princess Kimerella

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004