Thank goodness I can come here and just speak my mind. I'm going crazy. I have to say: THANK GOD THE WEEK IS OVER! I'll explain...of course. I am overwhelmed with so much going on in my life. It's like...where do I turn? Why do I feel like I'm being thrown into a corner? Being suffocated? I am short of breath...throwing myself into panic attacks because I feel like I can't escape anymore.

I just need time for me. I am at the breaking point and I walk around just wanting to cry my eyes out. I'll hit on this entire week and I'll spill everything. This week was midterms week and I had my music midterm. Part One was on Tuesday and Part Two was on Thursday. I know music...so WHY did I start panicking during the written part? I actually almost started hyperventilating. So when I finished my midterm, I took my stuff and ran out the door. I was maybe three seconds away from crying. Then the piano test on Thursday worried me even more. I really was convinced I was going to fail because I couldn't get the third exercise of the piano sheet. It actually compromised my credibility of my knowledge of music. I also was lacking practice of the third one. I went over it at home, but at school I just never could sit and practice. Well, I got a 91 on my written section and I got the second exercise perfectly done, but I don't know my grade. I am glad that is out of the way.

Thursday night, I joined the "Not-Anorexic" diary ring. I am not bashing anyone who has anorexia because when I was in grammar school, I was badly underweight because I wouldn't eat. Now I'm in college. I'm maybe 5 pounds underweight, but at least I am not in the danger zone. I have two phobias: Nosophobia (The Fear of being sick) and Obesophobia (The Fear of gaining weight). I'll admit, I don't want to gain weight, but I'm not in need to lose any. I bring this up because I keep being told to eat. When my mother does it, I am alright with it...same thing with my boyfriend. They both can say it because they care about me. But when other people say it, I am angered by it, more so now than before. It's like; if I am not eating 24 hours a day...I have an eating disorder. Sometimes I'm not hungry, sometimes I can't eat all my lunch cause I get full fast (hello my eyes ARE bigger than my tummy), sometimes I don't feel well in the morning and it carries through to lunch so just so my stomach doesn't hurt I'll push lunch back a while longer. I do eat and I don't avoid it unless there is a good reason. Like every girl, I do watch what I eat and if I start getting a tummy...I am going to exercise.

The most overused question I've gotten this week is, "What's wrong Kim?" or "What's the matter Kim?" Alright, I have had enough with these questions. I'm in my 8:15 class and I start dozing off. Does that automatically constitute as something being wrong? No, it just means I stayed up late the night before. Plus, I don't need to smile all the time...especially when I'm thinking. You know I can't think and smile at the same time...unless it's something REALLY good. Other times it's just observations and thinking about a lot of things that pop into my mind. It doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Yeah, there are times I am unhappy but unless I say there is a problem, I don't need people to assume I am always unhappy.

I gave up wearing black shirts for Lent because my boyfriend suggested it. Alright well, so far so good. Am I tempted to wear a black shirt? Hell Yeah! I have my closet color coordinated and black is the biggest section in it. Plus, many of my best shirts are black. I feel like I'm in Black Shirts Anonymous cause I want to wear black, but I'm willing to wait until after Lent. I hate buying clothing, but if I see something I like, my mindset is: "Ooo I like that shirt. I wonder if I'd look good using that when I sing". I buy outfits strictly for performance purposes, but if it's decent for school then I'll wear it. Okay, the point I'm getting at here is that I don't pick clothing based on my mood. People assume that when I wear black...I'm automatically depressed. NOT TRUE. I could be wearing a pink shirt or a blue shirt and be depressed. The point I'm trying to get at is that unless I state that I'm depressed and suicidal...don't assume because of my clothing.

Alright, on a positive note...I am crazy about Marty. Spring Break is this week and I'll only be seeing him 2x this week. Yes, that bites majorly. Anyway...it is a good thing that I didn't go to Florida (even though I kinda still want to go to Disney World) because on March 19, it's our one-month anniversary. Already! Time sure goes by quickly. I am very happy that he's my boyfriend. He's charming and funny. Plus, he's handsome. I love spending time with him. Plus, I get to see him on Monday. We hung out for 13 days in a row. Quite a long time…huh? I am happy that I can spend that much time with him. I’m very; very happy he is my boyfriend.

I like to look up the meaning to things and now I’ve discovered the meaning behind flowers. I really wanted to know what the meaning to my favorite flower was so I searched the Internet and this is what I came up with:

The specific purpose of purple roses is to signify that the giver has fallen in love with the recipient at first sight.

Okay, that is something I would never suspect. Some flowers, though beautiful have such ugly meanings. For example:

Geranium – Good: Bridal Favor

Bad: Stupidity, Folly

Hyacinth – Good: Loveliness

Bad: Jealousy

Lilac – Good: Youthful Innocence

Bad: Humility

Narcissus – Good: Formality

Bad: Egotism

Petunia – Bad: Resentment, Anger

Snapdragon – Good: Gracious Lady

Bad: Deception

Spirea – Good: Victory

Bad: Conceit

It is definitely something to think about when giving flowers to someone.

Anyway, I very much think this entry is long enough.

Prince Howie Kisses,

@->--

Princess Kimerella

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004