I don't really look at April 1st as April Fools Day. Rather, since today is National Lupus Day, I find that reasoning more important. Obviously I'm still kicking myself because it totally didn't cross my mind to wear my Dorough Lupus Foundation shirt.

Anyway, that's a minor detail to today. I hate April Fools Day. It's a day that pisses me off because I have a quick temper when it comes to being pranked. I will literally not speak to a person for days if that person decides to prank me.

Today just started out bad. It got worse and worse and worse. Last night before I went to bed, I told Marty I would be going home with him to meet his parents. We were both so excited. I woke up this morning and my mother tells me that my father says I can't go. You know what the reason was? RAIN! Cause it was raining out, I couldn't go. I not only flipped out, but cried throughout the morning. I knew right off the bat that Marty would be furious with the news. So which was I more upset by? I was more upset that Marty would be so furious about the news.

I went to school and cried a bit during my class Ashley and Vicki were nice enough to get me tissues and talk to me. Seriously the first time I've burst into tears in a class. My life is slowly being destroyed.

After my class I called Marty and asked him if he was coming to the student center because I needed to talk to him. Right away he knew that I wouldn't be going on with him. He was really upset and came over a bit later.

When he got there, I saw the anger on his face. I was afraid to look at him cause he was so angry, but when he came up to me I looked him in the eyes and put my arms around him. I wanted to just be able to say I was sorry over and over and over again. I've had enough and he's sure as hell had enough with all this.

We spent a lot of time in the student center just being each other's company. We were both just so upset, angry, distraught. I wanted to just leave with him after class, but I can't get him in trouble.

In music class, we finished the movie we were watching. Odd movie if I do say so myself. During the movie, Marty had his arm around me. I noticed that he grabbed his knee and I asked him if he was okay. A bit later on, I think his shoulder started to hurt and he was rubbing it. I tried to help by rubbing his shoulder for him. He went to put his arm around me and well...his elbow collided with my big nose. Yes, it hurt...but I'm alright. I tried to laugh it off through the pain. I realize that it was just an accident and me getting hit in the nose is just a day at work for me.

After class, Marty started to cry. At first, I didn't really know that it was cause he hit me in the nose. Normally I don't get that reaction. Our professor asked Marty if he was okay and even offered Marty some tissues in his office. We left the auditorium and he was a bit in tears.

When we sat down at a table in the student center, Marty broke down. I held him in my arms as he cried. It was something I never thought I'd see honestly, but I was glad I was with him when he was crying so I could hold him and dry his tears. I don't think he's a terrible boyfriend for what happened. Let's put it this way...I took Tylenol and I'll totally be fine.

Marty, don't go to sleep feeling guilty. Don't think you're a bad boyfriend. Please don't think anything bad about yourself. We're all human. We all make mistakes. That's why pencils have erasers. Understand that I am so beyond happy that you are my boyfriend and one little accident is not going to change my opinions about you. My nose might have gotten hurt, but certainly not my heart.

I got to spend time with Marty at the mall. I couldn't help but laugh watching him carry the big display for The Suffering which is one of Marty's favorite games. $20 it scared Chuck...wish I was there to see it. I swear he was going to hit someone in the mall with that thing. It was funny. He dropped me off at school and an hour later, the trouble began.

I walked up to my mom's office and she asked me what I was doing there because she wasn't getting out of work until 6. I flipped out once more. I locked myself in her car and cried for a half hour. My mother called me about a half hour later and told me to straighten myself out and get to her office.

By that time I literally made myself sick. I got to her office and was holding my stomach because I was in so much pain. I nearly collapsed on the floor. I got home and it all exploded from there.

I spoke to Marty on the phone. I also spoke to Phil...Marty's best friend. My mom overheard stuff and got royally upset with me. We are on very little speaking terms. All I know is that I am very close to packing my bags and finding somewhere to live.

I look around and my family is against me. Everyone hates me because I'm different. I'm a "semi-rebel"...still following the rules, but fighting to get out and follow my dreams and ambitions. I am a firm believer in the middle-child syndrome and I stick to it. I'm labeled the black sheep of the family. It's hard to live and function in a place where the grip is so tight. That is why I frequently am negative and I give up a lot more than I should. I am not gonna give up on my life though because even though temptation for suicide was there all day today...I have someone that cares about me and wants to be with me.

Alright, time is of the essence and I am tired.

@->--,

Princess Kimerella

P.S. - Love ya too Marty!

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004