I sit and I look at my life and sometimes think of how a lot of people in it just plain suck. There are only a few wonderful people in my life like...Marty, and...well, okay, so he's the only truly wonderful person in my life.

I'm this shy, innocent girl with frizzy hair and eye glasses that are bent out of shape. I'm not at all popular and I'm very insecure.

I'm very opposite my sister. She's shy yet she is popular. Everyone likes her (well mostly). She gets invited to parties and sleepovers and never thinks to ask me if I'd like to come along. That's the main difference between my sister and I. If she's upset, I want to do something about it like talk and eat ice cream and hang out. If I am upset, which is 99.9% of the time, I get the simple "Oh Well".

I'm not very liked by her friends. They look at me and basically ask how I could be related to her because we're nothing alike. My sister...she loves to tan, love to buy clothing and shoes, loves to wear makeup and primp her hair, and can speak freely about anything and everything. Me on the other hand, I'm not a tanner (I want to stay ghostly white because that's me). Shopping for clothing and shoes isn't my biggest thing. I buy those things only if I need them. I don't like to wear makeup and I never have time to straighten or do something special with my hair. I can't speak about a lot of things, like sex, because I'm not comfortable with it. Things I don't like to talk about result in me crying until the other person realizes he/she needs to stop.

Why am I still a nerd? It's because I'm different. After having a talk with my sister and her friend tonight, I basically came to the conclusion that I'm not accepted. I would like to be able to hang out with people and go out somewhere, but there's a million and a half excuses. What's the one I've heard all my life??? "There's no room for you." That is basically saying..."WE DON'T WANT YOU!"

In highschool, my social outcasting basically drove me to suicide. My cheerleading squad took a bite out of my self-esteem. Being on Varsity cheerleading doesn't make you automatically popular. It made me a laughing stock. I was humiliated at a lot of games I cheered at. In school, I had things thrown at me, people pushed me, laughed at me, told me I was ugly. Then I had my own small group of friends and I became the leader (for some reason). We had our little problems among the group and when I found out people were stabbing me in the back, it was yet another reason I wanted to end my life. Some of the people that stuck with me in my group have expressed their fears of my depression and I've been talked out of a lot of attempts. I can thank them for that.

I wish I stayed in my old highschool. Everyone was the same. We all were from the same middle-class background. I had friends I loved to spend time with and I miss dearly. We would sit on the floor in the hall every morning.

Sonja and I would daydream and plan our weddings...her with Nick Carter and me with Howie Dorough. We always planned to meet the Boys, but we never got to do it. She moved to Venice, Florida.

My best friend Dana, who I've known since I was six would spend all the time she could and we'd just talk about coming over to each other's homes and hang out. She still lives in my old town, and I only see her once a year (if I'm lucky). We live two completely different lives, but when we talk to each other we always think back on our childhoods and laugh.

My old singing partner Nancy and I were in homeroom together. She sat in front of me. In homeroom we'd sit and coordinate songs and costumes to wear when we sang. We had such high hopes and dreams of stardom. After sending tapes to our producer and having them distributed among record company executives, we got a call back with 7 possible record deal offers. We both went for solo deals shortly after. I haven't spoken to her since because she moved away.

Alexandra was the best artist in my school. She was so talented and so sweet. She always believed that I would marry Howie and become a famous singer. I always believed she'd become a famous artist. Unfortunately after I moved we quickly lost touch. She goes to a special art school in the ciry and I wish I got talk to her again because she's so nice.

In my old highschool, being known was good and being known for something good was what I enjoyed. Everyone knew I was a singer and people stopped me in the halls and asked me to sing. I never considered myself cool for that and I still don't, but it made me so happy that people out there really admired my talent and wanted to hear me.

I participated in Art Club, Concert Choir (which was only made through tough competition) and 2 talent shows. That was a great world to be living in.

My new highschool was more than intimidating. I can say, I participated in a lot more this highschool, but I quickly learned that it wasn't the same. My accomplishments in my new school were not as recognized as the ones in my old school. In my new school I was JV cheerleader (winter), Varsity cheerleader (fall & winter), 2002 PAL Vocal Award winner, I got my Varsity letter, and I got to be part of the 1st place concert choir in Boston.

When I left my old school, I was remembered for what I was known for, being a talented singer. In my new school, I was remembered for something the whole school didn't get to witness. I guess what I am remembered for in my new highschool is as important as what I'm remembered for in my old highschool.

When I graduated from my new highschool...one of my classmates remembered me for one thing...:Junior Year, Drama Class, Final Exam...a monologue about something important in my life. I did a monologue and acted out the events of two significant things in my life that created a theme...the night Howie's sister (Caroline) died and the night I met my cousin Ruth for the first time. These things put together showed my fear of the disease Lupus. And at the end, I was saying my last paragraph (and I have to find it so I can read it again), I burst into tears. I made so many people in my class feel my pain and most of them cried.

And I am remembered for that one day when I showed how vulnerable I could be to something that not many people know about or understand.

Well, I may not be cool and popular, but I guess being me isn't so bad...I think I need to stop thinking because it hurts me. All I have to keep in mind is that I have someone out there that misses me and thinks about me as much as I think about and miss him. It's rewarding when you walk through life feeling so incomplete and then you meet that special someone that is the missing piece to your life. I miss you Marty...*KISS* You're my life and my everything. You make me so happy and I feel like everyday with you is a true blessing. I love ya cookie...

@->--

Princess Kimerella

last & next
So Sad... - December 28, 2004
After Christmas Sadness... - December 27, 2004
Thanksgiving Break Update... - November 26, 2004
School Update... - October 17, 2004
I'm lost... - August 25, 2004